Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

My mistakes. -john. Kinda -getting attached to the ginger. -kissing a guy with a girldirend. (he kissed me actually. And said he didn't have a girlfriend. Lying idiot. -talk talking to my bestfriends boyfriend. At least thats all we did... -the things I did to get this guy to stay with me. When we weren't even together. -some pictures.. -not telling people howI feel beofreits too late. -being too "easy" to get with. I'm not reallythough. -not recognizing a good guy while I have hin -pushing the good guy away for the bad guy... When the good guy wanted me all along and I was just too stupid to realize it u til it was too late. -not listening to a yone's advice.

Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do

So I just thought I'd let everyone know that the reason my grammar and spelling are sucking on these posts is because I'm on my super old ipod touch and its hard to use blogger on here. But its the only thing I have rights now so I'm just going to have to deal with it I guess. Its so glitchy though. So I was thinking though. I thi k I'm going to start another blog. One where I put my makeup ideas and outfits an hair and things. Just for fun. It sounds interesting. My dad thinks I'm obsessed with my appearance... But I'm reallyno. Doing my hair and makeup is fun. It's something I like doing. It makes me me. AndI love picking out my outfit for the day. What I'm wearing and how I have my makeup done really explains my whole mood. Heavier makeup=bad mood. Just for future reference. And apparently I'm good at doing makeup. And organizing things. And acting. And flirting. Those things are pretty much what I've known for.

She came along got him alone & lets hear the applause, she took him faster than you could say sabotage

So I've been thinking. (still grounded, so alot of thinking and reading) (*sigh*). And I came to the conclusion that I don't fall in love. I honestly don't really even get the concept of love. I mean, yes I'm only 14... But Ithought I would have it figured out by now. I'm pretty sure other people have though I was in love and I think Ihave too... Butin all honesty.. I haven't been. Have I? I think its one of those things that when it happens you will know for sure. Like of course theres people I love, my family, my puppy, my 4 best friends... But I don't get attached like that to many people. I just want to meet that one person that I can never stop thinking about. The guy that when We're together I'll just know. Know he's the right one. Make me realize that all of the other guys I've been with were never the right one. I just need that assurance I guess. I dont't want to give everthing to someone that will walk away just as quickly as they walked in. But what if that never happens? What if things just don't happen that way? Iknow my way of thinking is kinda fairytaleish. Butthat doesnt mean it cant be true. And I know you have to work at things to make a relationship last, that everything isn't going to be a perfect fairy tale ending, but I want a guy that will actually be worth the time and worth working at it for. Not a guy that will say one thing and do another... Which they all seem to do. I guess at this point I'm just ready to stop messing around. I just wish I was older. I know alot of people say that your 4 years in highschool are some of the best years of your life, but really I'm just ready to be in 20. In colege, getting my law degree, my future ahead of me with no one telling me what to do or how to live MY life. Noone seems to get that its my life. Mine. If I screw it up... Well looks like thats my problem isn't it? And really, Ijust need to make my mistakes and learn from them. I so can't wait until I'm 18... Don't get me wrong... I don't not like school. I mean, I'm pretty popular, I have friends, and guys are constantly telling me how pretty I am... But thats it. What people never look at is the fact that I'm actually smart. I'm in honors, and manage to have a social life well getting grades just as good as the dorky girl who does nothing but worry about school constantly. I want to be different. Not just another pretty face. I mean yeah, compliments are nice, especially from certain people... But I've kinda gotten to the point where I'm just like so do you really mean anything you're saying or have you just heard I'm easy and want to get in my pants? Thats another thing I hate. Just because you're pretty and guys like you, that makes you a slut. Yay. The joys of being a teenager. I'm just ready for my real life to begin. The life where I make my choices. I've alreadykinda started trying to do that. I became a vegetarian (but its also healthier) and I've started dressing indie (which is kinda expensive so I'm trying to get into DIY things since I never have money) . And when I turn 18 I plan on getting a tatoo on my wrist that says fearless in cursive letters. And getting one ear peirced twice plus the cartilage and the other pierced about 6 times. For the past year I've been telling everyone I'm going to be a lawyer... And i have the qualities for a lawyer. Confident, good in front of crowds, good arguer, can present my points well, persuAsive, and I'm not going to lie, I'm a pretfy good liar... But I've been thinking about it. And I like writing. Really like it. But I don't think I could actually write a book... I don't have the patience. But I could work for a fashion magazine or newspaper in a big city. Or even run the blog for a magazine or something... Writing interests me. I can never seem to be able to tell people my thoughts. Or my deep ones at least. But writing tgem is just so... Easy. It just comes naturally. And I mean I talk ALOT. But if someone were to ask me in person right now to explain my feelings for the ginger or john... I couldn't. I just couldn't but then I could wrie it down in a journal or in this blog just fine. Is that weird? I just don't like showing people my weaknesses I guess. But really I just can'tfigure myself out. And If I can't then how can I expect other people too? I guess this has been enough boring typijg of all the thoughts in my head forone night... XOXO--hannah

Monday, July 30, 2012


So I was just thinking about some of the things I did this summer... They were pretty crazy. And like no one knows about them. One of my bestfriends knows everything since she was there for alot of it... And the guys involved know too. But other than that no one else really knows what happened. And aloot happened. That was random... I guess I'm a random person though. I was in a really good mood today. I mad a cake and we had shrimp for dinner! And apparently I can still eat shrimp despite my vegetarianism. So that was nice. I got to talk to my bestfriend too... Honestly I just really need my friends right now. It's so weird not having my phone though. I haven't talked to people I would talk to pretty much everyday just because I don't have my phone so that kinda sucks. I'm just ready to be at the point where I'm old enough that my parents can't take my phone away. But anyways. Today I discovered that I am attracted to certain words. Some words I just like. And I'm not really sure why. It's not neccesarily the meaning or the spelling or anything like that... It's just the word. Words I like... -wanderlust -spontaneous -invisible -free -soar -mess -beautiful -young -lovely -safe -rain -story -bliss -escape -sweetest -addiction -dreamer -lust -forget -too -honesty -lips -kiss -death -panic -tragedy -why See? I told you the words were random. I also have like an obsession with song lyrics. They make everything sound so perfect. They explain my life. I can memorize a song so easily... But I heard this song earlier today on the radio that was like "Do you love me, even with my dark side?" and i was just thinking about how true those lyrics are. Everyone doeshave a dark side. And for someone to love you even after they have seen that dark side I think means they are the one. And I thi k some people just aren't meant to find that person. I believe everyone does have a soulmate, but not everyone is meant to find them. I kinda believe that we can change who our soulmate is. If we change an interest, or say do one thing, auch as decide to not go on a trip you may not meet your person you were meant too. I'm a pretty strong believer in fate too though. I've gotten to the point where I've decided everything happens for a reason. There was a reason for everything, whether you know it or not. Like there was a reason I got with John. Maybe it was because in the long run it would make the ginger mad. Maybe it was because I needed to realize that that is all we would ever be, a kind of friends with benefits thing I guess you could see. Maybe it was because I just needed to get what happened between us over with. But whatever the reason may have been, there was one... But anyways. I was talking to my friend on the phone earlier today... And she said she'd talked to John right after the thing happened with us (before I got grounded) and she had asked him how things were between us and everything an apparently he was just like I'm not really sure. If this was a yes or no question then yes I like her. But if you're asking what we are then I really have no idea. And thats the way I was with him too. He knew I liked the ginger. And he kissed me anyways. I could hate him for that. He was there. I needed someone. And things went farther than what I was expecting. Boys are so stupid. I'm pretty sure he thought he could make me not like the ginger anymore... Too bad its not quite that easy. If all it took for me to get over the ginger was to kiss a couple other guys then I would have gotten over him forever ago. It just seems that no matter what, Iwe always end up back with each other. And I want to just be done with that. Be on my own. I don't think I really want a boyfriend... I say that now. But then I'll meet a guy. I won't want to be fully commited, but I'll expect him to be. I don't like dating. It complicatess things. But at the same time I love knowing someone is mine, and just mine. Dating them shows that they have chosen you over everyone else, that you are the one that they really want. Yet at the same time it makes things so confusing... I talked alot today... Oh well. XOXO--hannah

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I come over, quarter past 2, love in my eyes, blinded by you

Another boring night. Yay. Just me and Netflix. And the lovely people still reading about my insanely boring life. So I'll just rant. So "john"... I was just thinking about how many girls he S probably been with. It's annoying. The ginger had kissed like 11 girls last time we talked about it. ELEVEN. Who does that? Wow. So I was thinking about how people have said you never know how mean someone is... Until you guys break up. And thats so true. Like the ginger was saying all this stuff to me after we broke up and I was like "okay, but when you come wanting me back, and you will. You always do, I'm going to remember everything you just said and never look at you the same" and he was like "Why would I want someone like you back?" too bad he always does... And a week later he's texting me saying he wants to cuddle... I was just like uh go cuddle with "bob" (my name originality sucks, I know) and he was like no I want you and I was just like well I can't say I blame you... So annoying. And then John is a sucky friend to the ginger. He was totally talking crap about him to me trying to get me to pick him over the ginger. It's just I had history with the ginger. Wity me and John it was honestly just a "hey I'm bored" "yeah me too" "lets makeout"... Eww. That makes me sound like a total skank. But I usually don't do things like that. I just wanted to make the ginger jealous... And I guess I did kinda like John. Maybe. I'm not really sure. I really had no idea how I felt about anything then. Then again I still don't. And I've had more than enough time to think. Enough talking for now... XOXO--hannah

Hey baby won't you look my way, I could be your new addiction

I need somewhere where I can just write down everything. I can't use a blog or something because people I know might read it and I really don't want them knowing everything.. And I can't use a journal. What if someone finds it? So. Yeah. Theres so many things I just want to have written down. I like writing. And I've been told I'm pretty good at it. I don't know what to talk about now though. Everything is so freaking boring here. I'm so ready to just be independent and be able to dowhat I want. According to my parents, my judgment sucks. No, I know what I'm doing. I like being crazy. And it's not like I'm doing anything that is going to have a permanent effect on me. And its not like I just go around and hook up with random guys. I've kissed 4 guys. Only 4. I mean, yeah some of them I've kissed more than once... But only 4 guys. And people think I'm a slut. Not my fault guys like me. It's called being fun and enjoyable to be around. Well looks like I have to go... XOXO--hannah

They call her love love love love love, she is love...

I have the worst cramps ever. And I totally just typed out a super long post and then it got deleted. Woww. Ugh. I feel so sick. I guess I'll rant somemore. I hate how after you're with someone you know certain things about them. Certain things that you only notice when you're that close to them. Things they do absent mindedly... Things that most other people never even notice. It's those things that I hate remembering. But they're the things I constantly think of. Blah. Stop making me want you. It's not fair I just can't stop thinking about it. And I don't know why. Everything with him was so easy. So normal. Like I could fall asleep laying with him. I need someone crazy that can keep me entertained. But they need to be mine. And only mine. Someone that is interesting and funny and cute and sweet and crazy and fun and confident and slightly cocky. That would be perfect. Someone that can deal with me and all my moods would be nice too. And someone that can listen to me talk constantly. If you're wanting to kiss me you have to let me talk first. I just need someone I can tell everything too. If you're easy to talk to I automatically like you more. XOXO--hannah

Saturday, July 28, 2012

What would you do if I told you that I la la la la loved you, do if I said it tonight?

It keeps deleting my posts. Sooooo annoying. Like boys and their stupidness. *sigh* I haven't even talked to a boy in a week. That's crazy for me. So weird. And I didn't get to go to thebfair at all because I was grounded.I have absolutely nothing to blog about anymore. My life is so boring. I miss the ginger. It's really annoying. It's just how easy and fun everything with him was. Oh well. Enough mopong for today. And I don't really feel like ranting so... XOXO--hannah

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Keep this skin out in the open, liars turn me on

So since like I said, music is one of the few things I actaully have right now, I figured I might as well share my current go to playlist... My Chick Bad--Ludacris ft. Nicki Minaj Take You-- Justin Bieber Fine by Me-- Andy Grammer Coffee & Cigarettes-- Never Shout Never Almost Lover-- A Fine Frenzy Everybody's Got Somebody But Me-- Hunter Hayes Make it Nasty-- Tyga Can You Keep a Secret-- The Cab Somebody's Heartbreak-- Hunter Hayes Drops of Jupiter-- Train Free Fallin'-- John Mayer Ours-- Taylor Swift Haven't Had Enough-- Marianna's Trench Make Me Proud-- Drake ft. Nicki Minaj Storm Warning-- Hunter Hayes If You Told Me To-- Hunter Hayes I Write Sins Not Tragedies-- Panic! At the Disco Chasing Cars-- Snow Patrol Booty Wurk-- T-Pain Wanted-- Hunter Hayes One of Those Nights-- The Cab La La-- The Cab Bounce-- The Cab Forever & Always-- Parachute Everybody Talks-- Neon Trees Ching-a-Ling-- Missy Elliott Hey Girl-- Justin Bieber Birthday Cake remix-- Rihannah & Chris Brown Drank in My Cup-- Kirko Bangz Rockstar 101-- Rihannah & Slash Tongue Tied-- Grouplove Break Ya Back-- timbaland & dev Give it to Me-- Timbaland Too Close-- Alex Clare Temporary Bliss-- The Cab So you should look these songs up if you haven't heard thrm!!! XOXO--hannah

Your secrets safe & no one has to know I'm your get away & a little bit more than you can take

I'm so confused with everything right now. I still don't have my phone back.. It hasn't even been taken away for a week though. *sigh* I think I'm going to ask for it ba k tomorrow. I really just need to talk to my friends right now. I don't get how I'm even confused about guys right now when I haven't even talked to theses guys in like a week. I always say I'm done with the ginger.. But it never works out. We'll decide to be just friends but I don't think thats really possible. Everything was just so much easier before we ever dated and were just friends. My parents found out about this one thing he did so they don't exactly approve of him anymore... And then there's the guy that I got grounded for. I'm going to call him.... John. (sorry my creativity skills are sucking right now so John is going to have to work). But yeah. I really don't know how I feel about him. He was kinda just a one time (okay... 2 time..) thing. And my parents for sure do not approve of him now so I would have to sneak around. Which is really tiring. And even though he's going to be a sophmore he'll be 16 in a couple weeks... I mean he's only like a year and a hald older than me. But still. I kinda want to tell him I think we should just be friends but then I look really slutty after everything that happened. In my defense, he knew I still liked the ginger and he kissed me anyways... But like he was kissing me and then I pull away and he's like "I really like you" & I don't say anything and he's like "do you like me?" and I still don't say anything and he's like "come on I just need a yes or no" and I was like " I don't know.. Things are complicated right now.. " and he kept asking me how... I'm not a deepperson. I kinda suck at telling people how I feel. I have like one friend I can actually tell everything like that too because we've been through alot of it together. When I was dating the ginger she was dating his beztfriend so we would always go on double dates and vent about how stupid our boyfriends were... She's my partner in crime... Hehehe I'm probably boring you with all my boy talk about boys you don't know... And if you do know who I'm talking about... Awkward. XOXO--hannah

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

It's true that I'm a silver shadow, and you are always on my mind

Blah. Life is so boring right now. I've just been watching Netflix all day. I cut off some of my old jeans and made some cute shorts. So yeah. I just feel like cuddling with a cute boy and watching movies all night. It's so weird how I can't watch certain movoes or listen to certain songs because of people. Like it won't even neccesarily be a good or bad memory with the song or whatever... But I just can't listen to or watch it. It's actually really annoying Hannah Thinks.. If I hear Payphone on the radio one more time I will scream. I need someone to talk too. Clothes & music is all I have left right now. I need my friends

A mouth that moves but fails to speak, & when you use your lips they better be on me

Looks like I'm going to be doing a lot more blogging since my parents deactivated my twitter and facebook... But I swear I don't fit in in my own family. Seriously. I have nothing in common with any of them... So I was just reading my posts from yesterday and realized how weird it would be if someone from my school were to read this... Because everyone knows who the ginger is. I mean he's the only ginger anybody talks too.. Awkward. Oh well. Hannah Thinks.. I am completely in love with Hunter Hayes I watch alot of Grey's Anatomy I need to get out of my house I miss my friends

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

She's a beautiful mess, the kind you love to love

But anyways. The ginger ended up being fine. And we're okay now and still talk and everything.So yeah. I still find the fact that I wasted almost 5 months on one guy. I never do that ever. And that is exactly why. I really don't get very attached to guys. I've gotten attached to 2. The ginger and my summer guy. But like.. I don't even miss the ginger... And just to get this out there, he's a cute ginger. Like every single other redheaded guy I know is insanely unattractive. But he's acrually cute. And he has a nice body. Just saying. But people like flock to him. It's actually really annoying. He was like never alone. And I mean yeah. I like being with people. But I just need aome alone time too. And since my parents currently have me on lockdown it looks like I'm going to have quite a bit of that. *sigh*. Maybe I'll just give up boys for awhile... Wait. I'm Hannah. What am I saying? I don't think I could give up boys... I just won't do anything stupid again. I'm not even sure how i feel about the guy that got me grounded. I mean.. I liked him I guess. But really he was just there and I needed someone. Ugh. That sounds terrible. Him and the ginger are friends so I figured I could make him jealous. Too bad that in the 5 days I have been grounded I've been doing some serious thinking (and reading, and writing, and netflix watching and puppy cuddling) (what a crazy summer right?) and decided I'm done with the ginger. He's not worth it. And not being able to talk to him actually isn't bugging me. At all. Which makes me wonder how much I really liked him in the first place.... Well. Time for another post since this one is getting long to... XOXO -Hannah

You gotta keep your head up oh, so you can let your hair down hey

Well. Sorry I haven't posted in forever... I promise I will get back into it when school starts again. I'm currently grounded. Veryyy grounded. I'm not even going to get into the reason why. I'll just say it involves an older boy and me not thinking. At all. So yeah. The rest of my summer is going to suck. I hate it here. I really honestly truly hate it here. So much. I just don't fit in in this city. I need a big city with things to constantly keep me busy. Everything I want just isn't going tobe possible here. Tje only think still keeping me going is knowing that in 4 years I can get out of here and never ever look back. This place just has absolutely nothing going for me. Anyways. Enough of my ranting about how sucky here is. (although in my defense it is extremely sucky) This summer has been...interesting. Me and the ginger got back together for like a week. Then he randomly dumped me. Then we got in a huge fight. Then i had my whole old group of best friends from 7th grade over and we burned his sweatshirt. None of my friends liked him anyways. But yeah. I got a bunch of crap from random people about that. My friend took a picture of it and tweeted it with the caption "and this is why you don't screw over a girl" and the ginger tweeted back saying "well can I at least have it back?" so we gave it back to him that night. Then we were subtweeting each other all night... "#crazyexgirlfriend #whynot" and stuff like that... There were like 15 people tweeting like that at the same time, some my friends and some his. The whole thing was actually really funny. I didn't burn it because I hate him, we did it to be funny and to do something crazy. I meam who can actually say they burned their ex's sweatshirt? Exactly. Then like 2 days later the ginger found out he might have testicle cancer and I about died laughing. Then felt bad for laughing. Then laughed again. Them felt guilty about it so I texted my friends so they could laugh with me and I wouldn't feel so bad. Then he texted me saying sorry for everything and I was like "I'm sorry for burning your sweatshirt. Even though it was really funny.." Then the next day he texted me again and said "Before I go into surgery I just wanted to let you know that I still really care about you and hope we can be friends" and I was like I think that would be a good idea. Then that night I went to the fair and saw my boyfiend Hunter Hayes in concert <3333 But this post i getting really long so I'm going to go ahead and post it and keep ranting on another one... XOXO- hannah